When you feel like chaotic mush 

Sep 8, 2022 | Blog

Carless – Cali Life – Explaining Chaotic Mush – Donation Based Classes

The picture above is from a dear friend and student, Diane, I drove my Audi to her home in West Seattle where the car stayed until the next day. On August 31st I officially became carless and Diane drove it up to the island to be with her new owner. This is Peter and I driving away in route to our first day of life on the road. 

I think I am still in a little shock that Peter and I sold most of our things and now we are in Northern California at my parents lovely home in the Sierra Nevadas, close to Yosemite. It is 108 degrees outside and we are incredibly grateful to have a cool home to be at right now. Who knew that a heat wave would hit the week we choose to leave the PNW. Rusty has no A/C so it was a hot and sweaty few days of living in her. But, we made it through right before the biggest heat wave came. We are all safe and sound enjoying the beautiful warm mornings and evenings, taking swims in the neighborhood pool and working from their home during the day.

Adaptability is our word and right up until the hour we left the apartment we had to look at each other, have a hug and remember that “we got this.” I wish to be more adaptable, able to veer, twist and turn at a moments notice and I struggle with it. I love routines, I love knowing what is coming next, and I love having some “perceived” control in life. 

Living in Rusty and saying yes to life on the road tests my capacity to be more flexible. I say YES to opportunities like these because it feels like living to me, I am an adventurer at heart. And, it comes with its hefty share of discomforts. My current state I would describe as chaotic mush. There are many internal questions like; what is important in life? What am I here to teach, share and offer? Why do any of the things that I do? Who cares about any of it anyway? I swirl between caring about all of it and then questioning all of it. I am telling you I am in the chaotic mush. And, I have been through vaguely similar periods of time like this before. 

I continue to invite myself to embrace the mush, to embrace the internal chaos. I can do this (not always gracefully- often with a bit of crying, needing to sweat it out, bathe it out or talk it out) because I know that it’s just 1 period/stage/phase in my existence. I know that it will not stay. I know another phase will come. So, the daily practice is presence. Trusting that if I am present to the living that is now, in the moment, that – that is enough. And, when an answer is needed or the energy is needed to fulfill something it will come when I need it. If it’s not the moment to execute something I will not feel inspired or have the time/space to do it so I can drop it for now. 

This trust practice feels monumental for me because it especially has to do with how I am showing up as a teacher. 

Today, as I write this I am grateful that I feel a little less of this internal chaos. After our live Tuesday class this week, we had some community conversation about what we are exploring together which is movement in order to experience our own “energy bodies” and what lives beyond the body but that can be experienced through the body. This conversation felt affirmative for me because many of the topics I am passionate about are ones that are resonating with those showing up for classes. I appreciate creating the space and time to explore what lives beneath the surface and my live sessions are for just that. 

I get nervous to evolve the teachings and how I show up for you all. This current transformation/next stage feels particularly big. It’s all a bit murky with little glimmers of insights of how I might be able to best serve and share from a place humility, grace and “realness.” I write all of this in the hopes that you find some inspiration for your own soul, growth, movement journey.

May you be you. May you create moments to listen to your inner stirrings and act on them. May you find the teachings, books, poems and words that light you up and help you to connect to your own wisdom and brilliance. 

Practicing with you always. 
With love and gratitude,

~ Heather 💗